A dummies guide to Australia’s new regime

in Cricinfo

It’s been a confusing few days for Australian cricketers. First they discover that punching a Pommie in the pub is no longer considered a sign of a good team player, and now they have to learn the ways of a new coach. This handy guide will help any player struggling with the transition to a new culture in the team.

Under Mickey: In bed at night, immediately before sleep, each player to finish daily questionnaire about goal-orientated performance paradigms.
Under Boof: In bed at night, immediately before sleep, each player to finish tinny.

Under Mickey: Pup and Watto to attempt to reconcile differences within the context of a safe, non-judgemental space for dialogue.
Under Boof: Pup and Watto to sort it out round the back of the pavilion.

Under Mickey: Three key areas of focus: player growth, positive actualisation, holistic augmentation.
Under Boof: Three key areas of focus: fags, beer, hooning around in the context of a winning outfit.

Under Mickey: Personal appearance very important, can lead to feelings of increased self-worth, as seen in the meticulous way Pup grooms himself.
Under Boof: Undercrackers can be turned inside out and re-worn if needed.

Under Mickey: Warnie keen to point out that coach is merely a method of getting to the ground.
Under Boof: Warnie keen to point out that Boof is a top bloke and the man to take Australia back to the top.

Under Mickey: Most vital task at end of each day’s play is to sit down with homework and pore over what you could have done differently.
Under Boof: Most vital task at end of each day’s play is to sit down with opposition and pour beer over each other.

Under Mickey: The most important weapon in a cricketer’s armoury is the space between his ears.
Under Boof: The most important weapon in a cricketer’s armoury is the green hat on top of his head.

Under Mickey: The David Warner incident with Joe Root was especially disappointing in that it violated the culture of inclusive leadership-group-driven responsibility that management worked so hard to instil.
Under Boof: The David Warner incident with Joe Root was especially disappointing in that he didn’t even chin him properly.

Under Mickey: The opinions of former great players can be helpful but it can also be problematic trying to impose insights from previous eras on a constantly evolving sport.
Under Boof: Pizza and pool party at Warnie’s.

Under Mickey: Getting consistent performances out of Mitchell Johnson is a complete mystery.
Under Boof: Getting consistent performances out of Mitchell Johnson is a complete mystery.

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