CrickiLeaks: Ricky Ponting

in CrickiLeaks

An unworthy tribute to a great cricketer, on the occasion of his final first class match, referring to one of his famous tantrums, this one at the 2010-2011 Ashes. Extracted from 2011′s CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, by Tyers and Beach

Ricky Ponting, Melbourne,
December 28th 2010

Not a good couple of days. Getting into it with Andrew Strauss and Aleem Dar was bad enough, then this morning I agreed to do a personal appearance for one of the charities I support. It went pretty ordinary, if I’m honest. I’m very proud to be a patron of Squinters-R-Winners. It does a lot of great work with kids who have serious squints and teaches them there’s no reason they can’t go all the way to the very top. But that might be in jeopardy now, thanks to the pen-pushers.

We’d arranged for some of the kids to come to the MCG for the Test but a lot of parents felt it would be too upsetting for them to have to watch Australia play cricket. I’d be lying if I said that made me feel good. We managed to fix something up short notice before play at a McDonalds nearby the G where the poor little squinters could have some burgers, I’d do a bit of a coaching session and then Ronald McDonald would do some magic tricks or whatever it is they like.

I thought it might be a good chance to bat myself into a bit of form but I tell you what, you underestimate these squinty kids at your peril. I had a bat, and after getting beaten by a couple of length balls from one of the girls first up, I was starting to feel the pressure. Next ball, I see it early and I’m back in the crease looking to swivel pull, but it gets big on me and I have to drop the hands. I swear on my life I’ve never got a touch on it, but I’m caught at third slip by Hamburglar and all the little bastards are going wild.

I say, “Aw look,” and stand my ground, as is my right. But I can’t believe it – Ronald McDonald’s got his big clown finger right up in the air and he’s sawn me off stone dead. I try to reason with him say, “Come on mate, I was nowhere near it.” Meanwhile Hamburglar’s right up in my grille giving me the big send-off. I start to lose the rag and I say, “I want a bloody video review.”

Ronald McDonald goes, “Well you’re in luck mate, because we had to have CCTV put in after Shane Warne came here to film that advert and we caught him trying to steal four metric tons of McNuggets for personal use.” He gets some security bloke to look at the tape and they’re all saying I hit it fair dinkum. Ronald McDonald says, “Look at that Hotspot on your bat,” and I say, “That’s not Hotspot, that’s effing ketchup, what are you bloody kidding me?”

Anyway, long story short, I’m up before Mayor McCheese for dissent and that’s another half a match fee down the swanny. Those little squinters are on their own now, and as far as I’m concerned, it serves them right.

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