Hell will host the 2026 football World Cup after a Fifa report found “no reason” to overturn the controversial underworld destination’s successful bid.
A 666-page report seen by The Telegraph concluded that Fifa had acted ethically in awarding its showpiece tournament, and suggested Lucifer be compensated with “a really nice wristwatch, one with diamonds and everything” for having been put through an “unnecessary and upsetting” grilling.
Critics had cited the soaring temperatures of fiery damnation as a major concern for a summer sporting event, and accused the damned hordes of carrying out human rights abuses. But during a “fact-finding mission”, Fifa executive committee members found Hell to be a “first-rate facility”. “I could spend an eternity here,” noted one delegate.
Fifa was particularly impressed by “Hell’s well-organised system of circles where fans can listen to vuvuzelas” and watch England take on Germany in a penalty shoot-out until the end of time. One exclusive circle will even offer comfortable spike-style seating and a chance to enjoy the Fifa biopic United Passions (starring Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter) on a loop. ITV has won the sole broadcast rights in the UK, with Andy Townsend providing analysis.
Independent research had suggested that one of principal reasons Hell was considered unsuitable was its lack of a developed football culture. In a survey of Hell residents, for example, football ranked below “teeth, gnashing of” as a pastime; but the 2026 tournament is regarded by Fifa as “the ideal opportunity to take football into new markets”.
The leaked report explained: “We examined the bids from countries in the mortal plane and found none of them could match Hell, which promised exciting commercial opportunities for soul-selling and an expanded opening ceremony where fans will be repeatedly poked with hot forks by unimaginably evil goblins, and/or enjoy a reprise of the 2014 Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull extravaganza.” The final is due to be played before a capacity crowd in Pandaemonium.
The head of Hell’s delegation, who was treated last month to a gala reception at which guests dined with especially commissioned extra-long spoons, had previously been cleared of any wrongdoing by Fifa’s ethics committee. Lucifer, Fifa insisted, was “an individual of the highest moral character and an example to the rest of the Football Family”. Though Fifa did admit that there was some evidence of bribery, it put this down to “a few isolated minions” and stressed these were instances of “venial rather than mortal bribery”.
Indeed, Lucifer, who has asserted control over the nascent Infernal Football Federation, is now regarded as a Blatter protégé and a leading candidate to take over from the Fifa president, should he ever wish to step down.
“Sepp Blatter has been a wonderful role model,” confirmed Lucifer. “But he still has so much to teach me before I can make the step up from running Hell to being the Dark Lord of an organisation as demonic and demented as Fifa. He is a constant inspiration.”
The report concluded with a damning indictment of England’s behaviour in the bidding process, described as “sinful”. Wembley, it stated, would be considered as an alternative Final stadium “only in the event of Hell freezing over”.
First published on the Daily Telegraph on Friday 14 November 2014.