Day After Ryder Cup Triumph, Nation Remembers That Golf Is For Dicks

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With Britain caught up in Ryder Cup fever on Monday, it was not until the dust settled on Tuesday that the full extent of the European team’s triumph really sunk in.

Hundreds of thousands who had roared Monty’s boys on as they held their nerve in a see-saw battle against the USA suddenly realised that they can’t stand the sport.

“I slipped out of work to cheer on Graeme McDowell in the final singles match,” said office worker Paul Graham, 32. “It was only this morning that I remembered that I really hate golf. The stupid jumpers, the nylon trousers, the low-level racism. The Scots.”

As the nation recalled that Montgomerie was not actually a heroic figurehead in the manner of Nelson, Churchill or Prince Andrew but, in fact, a grumpy, choking, Question Of Sport Mrs Doubtfire lookalike, sentiments towards the game soon returned to normal.

“I went to a golf club once,” said Dilip Choudry from Harrow. “It was absolutely horrible. Four different men came up to tell me that i was wearing the wrong type of socks, and one old woman kept insisting that I was her newsagent. I am not a newsagent. I am a plumber.”

Other sports that have enjoyed a brief surge in popularity include rowing, where the heroic exploits of Steven Redgrave and that other one made people briefly forget for the duration of the Olympics that rowing is the most boring pastime in the world; women’s javelin, of all things; and that one the Scottish lezzers do on ice that looks like an OCD sufferer sweeping the kitchen floor.

It is expected that by Tuesday afternoon once again only local councillors, OAPs and members of UKIP will care about golf.

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